Could Not Even Say A Word

YESSS IT'S OVER. I handed in my Biology model and did the 4U test. Okay, to be honest I'm not satisfied with my Biology model. I realised there were a lot of errors in my written component which is inevitable considering the fact I was dosing off when I was typing it. 4U test was pretty good. I didn't finish it and it wasn't easy but I didn't find myself tugging at my hair afterwards so that's cool. Actually, I'm really happy with myself at how I treated the maths exams during this assessment period. I'm so happy that I managed to keep a very calm state of mind before the 2U and the 4U papers. For the 2U test, all I was thinking of was the fact that it was not going to get counted. For 4U, I just couldn't care less because I know what level I am in comparison to the rest of the class - bottom. So even if I do bad, I'm still going to stay at the bottom so it didn't really bother me that much. Right now, I'm really happy at myself for being able to that. 3U was another story. I was freaking out so much for that but oh wells, it's of the past now.

Yesterday during lunch I think I had one of those stressful moments. During free period I was just doing some integration questions. The questions weren't particularly hard but it was difficult for me to think of a suitable method considering there are so many available methods. But then Annie came and started talking to me about it and how I should do the hard questions first because doing the easy questions is pretty much useless. At the moment I kind of felt...I don't know how to describe it but I just thought, I'm not fluent in these easy questions, what am I going to do with the hard ones? I don't know, I just went into the state where I just didn't want to talk and didn't want to hear any noise. What made it worse was that in maths everyone was talking at the same time and I really had a serious headache. Then during lunch Sarah asked what was wrong because I probably had the bitchface on. I don't know. I wasn't unhappy or anything but tears just started flowing. It was really weird because it wasn't like tears of unhappiness but rather my nose just started feeling really heavy and I just started crying. There were so many tears that I had to bury my face into my arms. Was I stressed? Thinking back, I probably was because at that time I had not studied enough 4U and I wasn't half way through my Biology assignment and both were due the next day. But I felt much better after getting some fresh air outside the noisy and stuffy classroom. I'm also very grateful to those who tried to comfort me. I definitely felt much better because of them :)

Tonight, I spent the time doing nothing productive. Youtube, Tumblr and drama ftw! I watched the first episode of A Gentleman's Dignity after Sarah showed me a certain scene from the drama. I thought that the first episode was extremely cute! It was another one of those 'oh my gosh the girl is so pretty and I want her number' kind of beginning but the way they first interacted was very cute. Cute as in the mature relationship cute and yeah, I dig mature stuff ^~^

Sigh, now that the week has passed, I'm somewhat dreading what is coming up in the next week. I am not looking forward to spending tomorrow doing English at the library. Urgh! I just want to take a break from everything and chill at home. Oh wells, I guess I don't have time for that. I really don't care about the marks I get anymore. Screw that! All I need to focus on is just to get through these weeks. Just a few more months and everything will end. I just have to hold everything together and get through the remaining time. Please please please let me get through this year. Please.

♫♪♫♫ Could Not Even Say A Word - Supernova
All the longing that my heart has been pushing away is calling for you every night

Here I Am

Blah got my Physics assessment task notification today. It's so long. I just realised how much I have to do during the holidays. Byebye to holidays, I'll probably be going to the library everyday. But the good thing is the teacher seemed to have forgotten about the presentations which means I don't have to do it anymore /does celebration dance. I guess I was somewhat productive tonight. I did some of the Biology model and I finished some Biology homework. PVA Glue takes so long to dry which is why I'm taking forever to finish my models.

Today in class Sarah showed us a snippet from the drama A Gentleman's Dignity. I was going to watch it a few weeks ago because CN Blue's Jonghyun was in it but then Sarah told me that he doesn't appear a lot. Oh gosh but the part she showed us was just ... let's just say it was very fangirlable. I always have a weak spot for mature and sophisticated men; AHJUSSI's! I'm not really a big fan of teenage crush/love stories but man do I love love stories between middle aged people. Another good drama was Scent of a Woman. Although it was the typical cancer storyline, Kim Sun Ah was amazing. I cried so much because of her. Lee Dong Wook was also very hot ㅋㅋㅋㅋ 49 Days is also another favourite of mine. It was really deep and probably the only drama that got me to reflect on my own life. There was also another really memorable love line in the drama too. I remember watching it and screaming out "he loved her so much and she loved him so much omg they loved each other so much" to my sister because they just loved each other so much. It wasn't like anything epic but it was realistic because the characters were there for each other as young children. I just hate those dramas which show no development in relationships. Boy meets girl, one month later they'd die for each other - doesn't really work that way for me. I liked Love Rain (the olden day storyline) too. The cinematography was really nice and it captured some really beautiful scenery. Yoona was also very graceful. I guess what captivated me was the love story between Jang Geun Suk and Yoona. Some people called it slow, boring, draggy and cheesy but I really enjoyed it. It was realistic and I like the fact how it was so innocent, youthful, simple and just so beautiful. As much as I like comedy, my heart will always belong to those melodramas that make you bawl your eyes out. Sigh dramas, giving me unrealistic expectations of love and life.

Well I just felt like blogging. Not much content because I really don't what to write about. It'd be a busy week so I'll probably be blogging a lot more because I usually procrastinate anyway :P

I never understood the hype about Secret Garden but that drama probably has one of the best OSTs I've ever come across. 4MEN, Mi and Baek Ji Young...what more can you ask for?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DL9pGGE0Hw&w=640&h=480]

You may never know but here I am

Coagulation

Here I am again, blogging in attempts to avoid starting my Biology assignment. Well, I do feel like I haven't written anything for a few days and if I don't start writing again, I'm going to abandon this blog soon so here I am.

Last night I had a really weird dream. Okay, it wasn't really weird but somewhat memorable. My Physics teacher was in it. She was presenting her usual powerpoints to us when suddenly she used EXO-M's Happy Camp appearance as an example of some Physics principle. Then something happened and after class, we were both fangirling with each other over EXO so it was really...weird.

Yesterday was horrible weather. Everything was dull and wet. Getting to Hurstville was hard because there were so many people at Sydenham station and it becomes worse when you have to run through them to make your train on another platform. In the end I missed it :( Studying was pretty good. I didn't go through as much as I wanted to but it was definitely a lot more than if I were to study at home. The internet is so distracting which is evident as I'm supposed to be making my models for Biology right now.

At tutor I wore my zodiac bangle I purchased at Lovisa last week. I realised how ugly the crab looked. I'm proud to be a Cancerian but the symbol is just not nice to me. Sometimes my birthdate really bugs me because it lies right on the borderline of two zodiac signs - Leo and Cancer. All these years I thought I was a Leo until one particular year my birthday lied in the Cancer region rather than the Leo one. When I'm bored I read facts on both star signs and I think I see myself more as a Cancer. Both signs are seriously extreme opposites of each other. That might somewhat explain why I'm such a contradictory person. I see Leo traits within me but overall I lean towards Cancer.

It is difficult for cancer to open up and have a close emotionally fulfilled relationship with someone because they are so closed off emotionally and physically to the world. This is driven by their fear of trust, Cancer has a difficult time trusting people. This causes built up anger and resentment inside, the contradictory nature really takes a toll on them and they can have a negative outlook on life, thinking that life is just too hard and miserable. This is unfortunate because when good experiences are to be had, they are skeptical of people and their surroundings and they experience tunnel vision due to their depressed outlook and they miss the nice things and happy experiences in life that make it worth living. In addition to lack of trust for people, Cancer is deeply sensitive and easily hurt, this is other reason why they have their defense shell in place, to avoid being hurt by others. Cancer lives in the past. They hold past events close to them and often dwell on the past. They have to learn to let go and live in the present instead of spending their time being sick with nostalgia. Cancer has a lot of emotional issues to deal with but once they overcome this large hump of shyness and insecurity, there is practically nothing they can't do. With their strong intuition, sensitivity, powers of observation and intelligence, they will have great success in anything they undertake. Cancer is constantly feeling, feelings and emotions are hallmarks of this sign and this is the root of their problems, human beings are not as evolved in the emotional area and this is where cancer gets the brunt of their problems. They are the ones who have to cope with their strong feelings more so then any other sign. Once properly harnessed, there is nothing that is this powerful astrology sign can not accomplish. Harmony is very important to Cancer, it keeps them happy. Conflict of any kind causes great distress. Deep inside, Cancer is a very powerful sign, they have the ability to stand up for what they think is right and they have lots of perseverance and can be fine on their own provided they don't let their emotions get the better of them and have the stability they need. They are not fond of change but they have the ability to do what needs to be done, they are not pushovers or lazy people.

Hm...there's nothing much that I need to say anymore. EXO-K is also ending promotions so I'm probably not going to hear as much from them anymore :( But I'm really excited and anticipating their next release! I guess it's a good thing for me because the urge to go on Tumblr and fangirl doesn't really go well with the stress related to not finishing assignments and not studying for exams.

Well since I've been doing water treatment in Chemistry, I've been coming across the term coagulation. It stirred up some memories of this song. I remember loving this song to bits when it first came out. I'm such a sucker when it comes to ballads. Listening to it again now makes me feel somewhat bittersweet. It feels like yesterday that we were spazzing over Super Junior's Sorry Sorry comeback stages. But it's been so long since that time. So many things have changed. Looking at how much the kpop world has changed has also made me think about how much my life has changed as well. /sigh I will leave these emotional posts for later. For now, come at me Biology Assignment!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sME8ImQxbYc&w=640&h=360]

On the windows and on my eyes, dew forms, tears form. Where they're from and how they form over and over again - I don't know. The only thing I know is that it really hurts.

My Lady

I really felt humiliated today. Not because I'm a sad loser and can't take someone laughing at me, but because it's just so hard for me to speak in front of people and they come and laugh in my face. Okay maybe not humiliated but I felt really bad. I don't know but I just have a really hard time talking in front of people. I feel like I'm naked when I do so. Especially when I'm not prepared with something and I have to pull it out of nowhere. I really don't like that feeling. It feels like every protection I've put around me suddenly disappears at that moment and I'm vulnerable. And right at that vulnerable moment of mine, they attack me with their laughs. I don't feel bad because they were laughing at my limited knowledge. I felt bad because the sound of their laughs were so haunting. I just hate it. I hate talking in front of people, I hate feeling vulnerable. It's something small and yet it's been on my mind for the past few hours. It was bearable all this time but I think I would start to feel really uncomfortable if they continue appearing. Please don't.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dsmteGxiq8&w=640&h=360]

At the end of your pure white fingertips is the melted chocolate...

Another example of sexy english words spoken in the korean way. Just listen to the way D.O says "chocolate". This song is probably one of the most sexual and seductive yet classy production I have come across and that I actually enjoy. Yup I said it. I'm really feeling the sexual appeal of Kai just look the way this boy does his elegant thrusts /coversface oh god but seriously, that boy is just ... let's just say 'why do you even wear clothes Kai?"

Blind

So many trains of thoughts these past few days.

On the train to Hurstville on Saturday, I passed a park with a family taking photos. It was very heartwarming and cute and it kind of stirred up some thoughts within me. I've never really told anyone because it sounds so stupid but as a little child, my dream was to become a good wife to a nice husband and having our children. Hahaha, everyone was going around saying they wanted to be much more ambitious roles when they grew up, but this was just my simple dream. I want to be a good mum. I want to be the mum that can communicate with her children; a mum which her children can turn to when they feel like the entire world is against them. I want to give a mum which is more than just a domestically active woman. My mum, sure I love her. She spent so many years taking care of me, working hard for me and she's an amazing woman. But I can never turn to her when I need help. No one in my family. Yes I love each and every single one of them, my brother, my sister, my mum and my dad but...I never could show them my emotional side. I still remember the nights where the entire household was asleep and I was just bawling my eyes out on my bed. The worse it got was me snuggling into my sister's bed and hugging her for comfort. But in the end I was just so afraid of waking her up that I had to return to my bed. I'm mature in front of them, and because of that they think I'm not emotionally vulnerable. I'm just a young girl, I also need their support and understanding more than anything else.

* * *

After the incident, I still find myself thinking about you. I worry about you. I worry that no one is talking to you. There was a sense of comfort when I found out you were talking with someone else about your issues. And now when it seems like everyone is turning their backs against you, I'm afraid. How are you coping with everything? Do you regret doing that? I...I don't know. I'm supposed to hate you. I'm supposed to hate you for everything you did to me. You really hurt me more than anyone else. Each time I think back to that night I...my heart just clenches up. I'm really supposed to hate you. But I don't. Am I supposed to be angry at you? Am I supposed to be for everything you did? But I'm not even angry. I was never angry. I...I just want to thank you for teaching me something valuable in life. You taught me that the people that you care for most deeply are the ones that end up hurting you the most. It's not because they give you greater scars but it's the pain that you inflict upon yourself because of your naive expectations that they, of all people, would never be bad to you.

I've been thinking a lot these past few days. I can't remember all of them but I think my brain really needs a rest. Scrolling down my dash I really hate the fact that so many people I know are joining Tumblr. Tumblr was special to me. It was a place that I retreated to in my spare time. I found comfort in all the pictures, all the texts, all the users. I could spam kpop, type up personal posts, reblog B&W and for some odd reason it made me feel better. But these days I've been very careful of what I post. Each day at school I hear people complaining how Annie has been spamming kpop and it really disturbs me. It feels like something so special to me has been tainted by these people and they come and complain to our faces. I...I just can't comprehend why I'm reacting so much over this but it's really bugging me.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVkoHTRGoco&w=640&h=360]

...and when I am broken into pieces then you would be able to see me

I Wonder If You Hurt Like Me

How have you been lately? Me? I've going pretty well? How has your life been since the last time we talked? Looking back, we really did go through so many things. So many unforgettable moments. It's shame that all of it will eventually be faded away along with the passing of time. I saw you the other day. You looked really happy. Is it because I am not next to you anymore? Looking back, I wonder how you dealt with it. Was it easy for you? Did you cry as much as I did? Do you still look back and tear up? Or have you moved on already? You know, I have always been the type to dwell onto things. Despite knowing that everything has ended, I still pain over it. Why did we turn out like this? So many questions yet I never had the courage to ask you. Did I mean anything to you? Do you still pain when you look back like I do? I'm sorry that everything turned out like this. Everything was just too much for me so I had to take a break. But I guess my break was too long. When I decided that I had recovered and wanted to return to you, you had gone too far from me. Yes, I do regret. But please understand I was suffocating during that time. I really needed to escape for a while. If only you had waited a little longer. A little longer…and things would have never turned out like this. Each time I listen to this song, I am remind of you. Each time I read the lyrics, I lose it. I finally understand how people can cry over songs now. I wonder if you hurt like me. I wonder if we mattered enough for you to cry and cry like it did for me. Even today I still have difficulties accepting that everything has passed and will never return. But I will try. But I wonder, are there days where you would look back and tear up thinking about us. Or have I overestimated the value of myself this entire time?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhuVWznRDDs&w=640&h=360]

Because I smile everyday
Because I show my smiles,
They think I am happy
I smile and I smile
But the tears flow again

I wonder if you hurt like me
I wonder if you cry like me
I wonder if you live everyday in memories like me...

It's All Lies

Walking home from Hurstville today, I realised a little grandmother pacing infront of me. She was very tiny, very fragile and walking at an extremely slow pace. At that moment, there was sudden spark within me. Recently my grandma's sister had passed away. It really took me by shock because last time she came to Australia, she was very lively and bright. That was the last time I saw her. But at that time I thought that I would get to see her again in the future. She was very nice to me. Like my grandmother, she was very kind and she had a beautiful and heartwarming smile. I think the news really left my family in shock. No one expected her to leave so soon.

My parents told me that when they left China at the beginning of the year, she was tearing up as she bid farewell to them. Maybe at that moment she knew that she would never see them again. I guess it does me feel a sense of regret because I didn't spend enough time with her when I had the chance to. I wasn't really familiar with her but she was a lovely woman and I'm sure I would've grown much more attached to her if we spent more time together.

Now that I'll be leaving high school soon, it does stir up some emotions each time I think about these things. Time really does stop for no one. With time comes memories and experience that you would never obtain from anywhere else but at the same time it also comes with grief, pain, loss and change.

It is indeed something very cruel - so very cruel.

Now back to reality. EXO-M's preview for Happy Camp has been released. YAY~! I've been waiting forever for the release date. I'm so glad that they moved the broadcasting date from the 16th to the 9th. Now I don't have to wait so long. Judging from the preview, it looks really funny and so many !@#$%^&* moments!!!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUcUtbS_cR8&w=640&h=480]

何老师: Kris对Tao说今晚上有赏，我能问一下是什么赏吗？

OMG THAT PART WAS LIKE UNF THE WAY HE SAID IT MADE IT SOUND SO SUGGESTIVE. And what is that I hear? Oh just thousands of Taoris shippers' ovaries exploding. Can't wait till the whole show comes out!!!!

Okay now I shall go off to finish my Physics presentation (well technically I have to start it to finish it but meh). I just managed to download B.A.P's Power Album/Single. I've heard the song before on Youtube but I never had the chance to download it. I searched up the lyrics and they weren't exactly pleasing but nevertheless the song still sounds good. Daehyun has the type of voice that I like - deep and husky - LIKE A MAN /thumbsup

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Se81y5qu-xA&w=640&h=480]

The words "I can forget you"
They're all lies
I don't have the confidence,
I can't erase it

/edit

Gosh I must be so weird but I get so touched when I get love messages on Tumblr. Let's just say when all fails and all lost is hope in getting a crush in reality, I will always be happy because I get blog crushes instead ^~^